myerstownherald.com

By MOLLY DAVIS
The time of year that girls dread has come again.
At least, some girls.
Definitely me.
Football season has begun.
For any woman that has every felt ignored, put on the back burner and played second fiddle to the players in tight pants that occupy every Sunday and Monday nights come fall, I’ve compiled a list a surefire ways to distract your man and put the focus back where it belongs — on you.
1. Order strippers.
This one could backfire. On one hand, he’ll definitely take his eyes off the hi-def, but he probably won’t be paying attention to you. Still effective.
2. Start a fight.
Bring to light something that has been “bothering you,” and proceed to beat the subject like a dead horse.
3. Fake a seizure.
This may end in an emergency room visit — still better than football.
4. Start a kitchen fire.
Make sure you have a fire extinguisher handy and that you have insurance before trying this one out.
This action could also provide some guilt points, as you were obviously preparing food for he and his friends to enjoy while glued to the game. Make sure he remembers that, and remembers it every Sunday from that point on (recycled guilt can be used to your benefit).
5. Invite your girlfriends over and wear bikinis, no matter what the weather is like.
If your man is an avid porn fan, this will not work, as he is probably de-sensitized to the half-naked female form.
6. Insist on watching the game with him.
Act like your interested, and ask lots of questions. Beware, this could end with him watching the game at a different venue — then refer to No. 1 on this list, and enjoy your football free Sunday.
7. Cancel the cable.
This will work if you have Comcast — there’s no way you’ll ever get them to reconnect your service in time for the game. Or even by the next week, but cross that bridge when you come to it.
8. Put Visine in the beer.
The result will be messy, as it’s supposed to cause vomiting. Only use this as a last resort — a whiny, sick man is almost worse than watching football.
Almost.

By MOLLY DAVIS
Kate Gosselin plus her tamer mullet have taken their media blitz to another level.
Another fashion disaster, the wrinkly suspender-wearing goofball Larry King, challenged Kate to answer a round of not-so-challenging questions.
Which she dodged.
Larry lobbed easy ones at her left and right — and she tap danced and skirted her way around all of them.
Looking tense and like she was suffering from lock jaw, Kate did her best to avoid bad-mouthing her previous better half on “Larry King Live” Tuesday night.
It looked like she was in actual physical pain.
She said she and Jon had a “peaceful custody” arrangement and admitted, “My nature is to freak out, to be in control.”
A “good thing?”
Kate, come back to earth.
There is no up side to being a complete control freak.
It has alienated you from your family and cost you a husband.
Not to mention your “fans.”
Good ol’ Larry isn’t the most thorough interviewer, but he did prod Kate to say that the dissolution of her marriage has been “a good experience” and that TLC “has the editing rights” to the show and she has zero to do with the final product.
Keep blaming TLC Kate — it’s done wonders for you so far.
I LOL’ed when she said she “has big dreams” and “is very driven.”
She has dreams?
I have dreams for her as well.
They involve her shutting that big mouth and taking care of her 8 kids.
And not driving everyone else around you insane during the process.

By MOLLY DAVIS
I know what I’m dressing as for Halloween.
Kate Gosselin.
Costume Web sites are advertising the fabulously cockatoo wig just in time to look like the angry mom of eight.
It may be my scariest costume yet.
Here’s the web site’s description:
“Dubbed the ‘Eight is Too Much Adult Wig,’ the ’sleek and stylish’ hairpiece ‘will make people think you have eight children.’ It’s smooth and face-framing in the front with a short and puffy back that’s full of volume.”
I reached for my credit card faster than Kate can call her ex a moron.
And we all know, that’s pretty quick.
I may wear it all the time, depending on how it looks.
I would like to prove know-it-all Kate wrong, as she has been quoted as saying her hairstyle is “not going to work for everybody. I’ve seen people come through the book line with thin hair and (it) just won’t work.”
Oh Kate, you’re so right.
Not everyone can sport a do that looks like someone took a scissors to you in the dark while having a seizure.
But I ‘m up to the challenge.
Who’s to say I won’t look amazing?
The conversation “piece” is well worth the $14.99.

By MOLLY DAVIS
Two words describe Monday night’s new episodes of “Jon & Kate Plus 8.”
Damage Control.
And somehow, the “Plus 8″ have gotten lost in the shuffle amidst Mommy’s glam make-over and Daddy’s late-night dalliances with his numerous women.
TLC is trying to sway viewers that Kate is still the down-to-earth, next-door neighbor that she was when the show began.
She has long since lost that appeal.
Countless exotic vacations, book tours, new homes, plastic surgeries — the woman that once had a modest appeal in showing America the daily goings-on of a family of eight kids has disappeared.
Gone is the “reality,” as the point of the series was to show other parents how the Gosselins managed their large brood while still struggling to make ends meet.
The reality is that the Gosselins no longer need to work for a living and instead are relying on the lucrative deal they receive from TLC .
Kate is a victim of her own success, and is making those who surround her suffer as well — she revels in the countless TLC-paid amenities, not to mention the spotlight, no matter how vehemently she denies it – and is a narcissistic, self-indulgent bore.
What on earth was wrong with the kitchen in her new house?
Apparently, there was a lack of cabinet space.
It’s called a pantry, Kate.
I’m sure you have several.
And a garage, where normal people keep all their extras.
I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve to do what she wants with her own money.
But don’t expect the people who follow your show to commiserate with your problems when the biggest one you have is where to store your extra juice boxes.
So off to the beach she went, all eight kids in tow, to escape the mess of the remodel.
Rub it in, TLC, rub it in.
Most Americans have to step over the mess and continue on with their daily routine, whether they like it or not, so maybe TLC should be a little more sympathetic to its viewers who are going through financial hardship rather than flaunt the Gosselin’s lack of monetary concerns.
TLC has picked a side, and that side is Kate.
Viewers are picking sides as well, and most are on Team Kate.
I’m still on Team Jon and don’t plan on defecting any time soon.
Just when I feel a tiny twinge of empathy for Kate, she opens her mouth and belittles Jon with “What planet are you from” in that snotty tone she calls a voice.
The empathy went right out the window.
In the second episode, Kate has to set up tents for the kids to have a camp-out in the backyard.
I thought this would lead to a meltdown, as she had no idea what she was doing, and when one of the kids reminds Kate “Daddy knows everything about tents,” I actually held my breath.
But without missing a beat, Kate calmly replies in an eerily sweet tone “Well, daddy’s not here now.”
Which I took as a dig, but maybe it’s just me and my personal distaste for the woman.
She is a hypocrite, plain and simple.
Had Jon EVER spoken to or verbally humiliated Kate the way she does to him, he would be labeled as an abusive, sadistic man.
And there is plenty to call her out on — she was at least 200 pounds when they first met.
But she can berate him about his belly being fat, and no one bats an eye.
Her ridiculous hairdo.
Once again, she has poked fun at his balding mop, so glass houses, my dear Kate.
And Jon could have lobbed some huge stones – boulders, even – into her transparent abode.
If you can’t stand the heat, Kate, get out of your brand new kitchen.