By MOLLY DAVIS
Taylor, say it isn’t so!
John Mayer?
Why?
I can’t figure out, and I’m sure others are wondering as well, why you would drop a cutie like Taylor Lautner for sleazy John Mayer.
Sure, if you didn’t mesh with the “Twilight” wolf hottie, then don’t date him.
But to move on to a creep like the guitar-strumming, self-obsessed, woman-eater John Mayer?
Why?
Although it’s still unconfirmed you two are in fact dating, you’ve been to dinner with John twice, you were just at his concert, so the buzz is that you’re an item.
All I can say is run.
Fast.
And very far.
John is a consummate player.
Who has man breasts.
Or moobies, as they’re called.
Which he flaunted on his Rolling Stone cover – he could’ve used a bra, or at least a shirt to cover up his soft upper bod and hide those distasteful tattoos.
And then there was the actual interview, where he talked about his eternal search for finding “a beautiful vagina” and how much he loved threesomes.
Some other lecherous choice quotes?
On his sex life becoming an endless loop of new girls rejecting him in clubs: ”Blowing me off is the new sucking me off!”
On finding a girlfriend: “Do you think it’s going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself? But isn’t it also about a beautiful vagina? Aren’t we talking about a matrix of a couple of different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there, too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas? …I’ll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. Think of how much mental capacity I’m using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a (bleep) about it.”
On his relationships: “All I want to do now is (bleep) the girls I’ve already (bleeped), because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them, and they’re going, But you’re John Mayer! So I’m going backwards to move forward. I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else.”
On the paparazzi: “I’ll be honest with you. All this weird (bleep) about me? All this strangeness? I wouldn’t have a music career without it. But I am at odds with myself. I have some presence of psychological damage from the past 36 months. I have not had a woman appear in my dreams sexually without a paparazzi in the dream too. I can’t even have a wet dream without having to explain to someone who’s grinding on me, We can’t do this right now, because there’s a guy over there taking pictures.”
I now dub thee Mayer “The King of Overshare.”
John, who also tweets his feelings, posted this on Twitter hours after the article hit stands:
“Just read my Rolling Stone cover article. I’m still not sure if I would want to hang out with me.”
Spoiler alert…
February 17, 2010
HEY TAYLOR, DUMP THAT MORON MAYER
COMEBACK KATE HITS NEW LOW
By MOLLY DAVIS
Kate Gosselin is making a comeback.
Jumping at every opportunity, the Wernersville resident has been spotted out on the town in New York City, is set to come back to a TV near you, and is releasing her third book.
So much for the relative Jon & Kate quiet I’ve been enjoying for the past few months.
First, let’s tackle the book.
The reality star is scheduled to release “I Just Want You to Know: Letters to My Kids on Love, Faith and Family” on April 13 by Zondervan Publishers.
The book features prayers she recites, excerpts from her personal journal and eight individual letters addressed to each one of her brood.
Who would want to read that?
Besides her children, I can’t imagine.
But she obviously has an audience, as her last two books, Multiple Blessings and Eight Little Faces, have been New York Times bestsellers.
Kate’s statement about the book reads, “Each day the thought crosses my mind that when they get older, my kids are going to look back and think about how they were raised.”
“I know they will have a lot of questions about things that may not make sense because they were raised so unconventionally. I don’t want them to grow up and wonder; I want them to know without a shadow of a doubt how much I love them and how much every sacrifice made was worth it for them.”
It’s a very nice sentiment, but unnecessary.
Instead of publishing these very personal letters, how about just giving the letters directly to your children?
Have them framed for each of the kids — a great Valentine’s Day gift — but publishing them in a tell all?
I would be furious at my mom.
Then again, I don’t need my mom to publish her feelings about me – I’ve never doubted them, as they have been reinforced throughout the years by the act of her being a present parent.
No letter needed.
Just simple “I love you’s” have worked just fine.
In addition to the book, Gosselin is in production on a new television show for TLC, focusing on the newly-single mother.
No kids?
Isn’t that the main reason people tuned in?
Other than watching Kate berate Jon, those eight cherub faces made the show.
Which brings us to the rumors that the kids may return to filming.
Even though Jon slapped TLC with cease-and-desist order to halt production on “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ last fall, he’s reportedly negotiating with Kate and the network to resume filming again.
Smells like a money-motivated decision.
Jon is reportedly willing to let his kids back on the show if TLC will drop its breach of contract suit filed against him for making paid appearances on other networks.
Translation: Jon has no money, can’t make his awful personal Ed Hardy clad appearances, and needs to make a buck to pay for his expensive lifestyle.
The kids filming would also be financially beneficial to Kate, as she was dining at Butter in NYC after getting her new longer locks chopped in Manhattan.
After spending 20 hours having the $7,000 extensions put in, she returned to have them shorn to a shaggy, shoulder-length style.
If Kate is going to be heading to N.Y. and dropping that amount of money on extensions only to get rid of them a month later, you better believe she needs to get her kids back on TLC.
January 28, 2010
WHY I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY
By MOLLY DAVIS
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner.
I won’t be making a pit stop at that juncture — I’ll walk, no I’ll sprint — right past that stupid holiday.
To me, it’s just a female version of the “mine is bigger than yours” contest in which men always engage.
But women are more subtle about it.
No harsh words, no fists – just backhanded “compliments” and smiles that don’t reach the eyes (AKA smirks).
One example?
“Your flowers are sooooo pretty,” says one co-worker to another. “MY boyfriend got me two dozen exotic flowers that had to be flown in from the end of the earth where they only bloom once every 27 years. But your roses are nice, too.”
It kind of sounds like a compliment to the untrained ear.
Far from it.
Mean girl translation:
My significant other loves me more, makes more money, is better than yours, so HA!
It’s a competition where she who gets the biggest, most expensive gift wins.
But they don’t win.
To me, if you need Valentine’s Day to “show off” how much your man loves you to all the other girls, then insecurity plays an important role in your relationship, so you lose.
Not that I don’t enjoy receiving gifts — I do — but if a man can only show his appreciation for me because the calender shames him into it one day a year, then I’ll pass.
Plus, flowers wilt, and I don’t like chocolate, so it’s just as well I don’t celebrate the holiday.
I’ve always felt this way — I didn’t acquire this attitude by being ignored one-to-many Valentine’s in the past.
Which, by the way, I have been.
I associate it with extreme pressure.
Who hasn’t heard these gems from women:
“He better get me a dozen roses or we’re through!”
“My husband sent me flowers at home. At home! Can you believe it? I wanted them to come to work so I could put them on my desk for everyone to see!”
“He got me pink roses. Not red, but pink.”
It’s hard to satisfy females on a normal day.
Throw in the pressure of this holiday, and even the nicest, well meaning of men will fall short.
Unless you get a stable, non-materialistic woman.
And they’re like unicorns.
January 22, 2010
FACE IT, HEIDI, YOU’RE A BOOB!
By MOLLY DAVIS
Dear Heidi Montag,
You are disgusting.
In a week where people are donating their time and money to the relief effort in earthquake ravaged Haiti, you are peddling you plastic surgery makeover.
It doesn’t bother me that you had plastic surgery.
If you want to change something about yourself, change it — I’ll be first in line to get a nip and tuck when I feel I need one.
Or two.
But you shamelessly promoting your 10-in-one-pop procedures is gross — especially now.
Open you squinty, over-botoxed eyes and look around.
Make your over-collagened lips speak about something other than you and your mindless endeavors.
You’re on the cover of “People” with the headline “Addicted to Plastic Surgery.”
Which is more ink than you deserve.
But that was not enough.
Then you had to go on every entertainment magazine and defend your surgeries and make clear that you were NOT addicted to plastic surgery.
Anything that gets your frozen face more air time.
The piece de resistance is her religious spin of all these events.
Heidi says she’s uber-religious, and God plays the most important role in her everyday life.
When confronted by an interviewer about God creating us as we are, and asked if He would approve, she came up with this gem:
“I think God gave me a little extra (referring to her self-described large chin) so I could fix it.”
That’s a rather interesting interpretation.
I doubt God gave you a Jay Leno chin so you could hack it up.
For once, your husband, Spencer, has not jumped on the media train wreck that is your life.
Heidi said, “Spencer didn’t want me to have this done. He was afraid for me.” And he should’ve been, because you’re well on your way to looking like the infamous cat lady.
I wouldn’t have been surprised if when you opened your mouth to speak, a strangled “Meow” escaped from the inflated pillow disguised as lips.
Which would have been a welcome change from the usual drivel you spout.
January 8, 2010
JERSEY SHORE: A MUST-WATCH TRAIN WRECK
By MOLLY DAVIS
Oh, “Jersey Shore,” how I love thee.
You absolutely make my Thursday nights.
Thank you, MTV, for spotlighting the over-muscled, over-tanned, over-gelled (over-everything’ed) existence of seven twenty-somethings staying in Seaside
Heights for the summer.
Or, as it’s known to some, “Sleazeside” Heights.
The cast of the show includes Sammi “The Sweetheart,” Pauly D, Ronnie, Mike AKA “The Situation,” Jenni AKA “Jwoww,” Vinnie and last, but certainly not least, Nicole AKA “Snooki” or “Snickers.”
The girls are tan and scantily clad.
But I really don’t have anything negative to say about the girls.
Snooki is a riot, Sammi is cute, and Jwoww is very entertaining.
Snooki is my favorite – she took a punch in the mouth like a champ, loves pickles and says things like “I friggin’ invented the poof” – referring to her high hair.
JWoww has the attitude of a guy, likes eating sliced deli ham after drinking, and says, “I will rip a guy’s head off after having sex with him.”
Sammi is more of an observer, choosing to stay out of most conflicts (re: barfights) and lie low with her roommate/boyfriend Ronnie.
Which brings us to the other denizens of the house.
The boys.
Sweet fancy Moses, they are ridiculous.
What a mess.
Tatted up, Ed Hardy clad, dancing-like-they’re having a seizure, arrogant cavemen.
They look greasy – literally oily.
I don’t know if it’s hair gel runoff that seeps slowly from their head throughout the night or if they slick themselves up with something.
Out of the four guys, Mike “the situation” is by far the worst.
He offends me, and I am not easily offended.
First, he refers to himself as “The Situation.”
That in itself is laughable.
Yes, you have a six pack.
We know.
Please stop lifting your shirt up.
We get it.
My favorite moment was when Sammi shut him down.
Mike thought he was going to bed her – but she switched it up and went for Ronnie, another roommate.
“The Situation” did not like this turn of events one bit.
He whined, sulked, verbally abused Sammi for her choice, and still expects her to come around and see that he’s the better choice.
Hold your breath, have another Jaeger bomb, and do some more reps at the gym.
It is a “Situation,” as you so eloquently put it EVERY 30 SECONDS.
Only the “Situation” is not a good one.
Mike is very aggressive with the girls he’s trying to bed – way past pushy.
If he didn’t disgust me, I’d pity him for trying too hard.
You know when you’re watching something and you feel embarrassed for the person who’s making an idiot of themselves?
It’s like that.
Only multiplied by 100.
He doesn’t seem to understand the word “no.”
In one instance, he’s trying to get the night’s target into the hot tub, and she says “no,” repeatedly, so he hounds her.
“The girl was lame,” he told the camera, like the girl owed it to him to strip down and get in the jacuzzi because she was in the presence of “The Situation.”
And talks to the camera like the girl’s a b**ch – like she owes him something.
You’re not entitled to anything – the way you spin it in your head like the girl has some sort of deficit for turning you down is pathetic.
Not to mention, delusional.
Take a cue from your male housemates – they are gentleman, and although they too are all about hooking up at the end of the night, they have some dignity and class about it – whereas you have less than none..
If a girl turns him down, in his mind, she’s “hatin’.”
Or she can’t handle him.
It couldn’t possibly be that you’re an unattractive idiot.
If “The Situation” were to read this, he would no doubt feel that I wanted him and was just “hatin.”
Yes, I am “hatin.”
“Hatin” all the way to the nunnery, ’cause if it was between “The Situation” and chastity?
Sign me up, sisters, and point me to my habit.
KATE’S DATING GAME?
By MOLLY DAVIS
Do you want to Date Kate?
Not Kate Hudson.
Kate Gosselin.
Yes, you heard me.
The baby factory and original octo-mom is supposedly in talks to star in a new reality show — not about her kids — but about finding a new love.
“Love her or hate her, people are fascinated by Kate,” a TV executive said in the story published on Popeater.com. “She has a lot of mouths to feed and Kate looking for love will certainly put bread on the table.”
I’m hoping this is not a reliable story.
Kate is sporting a longer hairdo and a new outlook, as she rebuilds her life as a single woman.
She jokingly said she is changing her name to “Kate Clean-Slate.”
After not hearing anything about Kate for a few months, I figured she was focusing on what’s important (her kids) and not looking for another sleazy 15 minutes.
But here she is on the cover of People, showing off her makeover.
She may look good — and she does look beautiful — but I don’t know many men that would take on dating a woman with that kind of baggage.
Her emotional baggage, not her eight children.
Kate is an alpha female who will rule her roost, and she will need another laid back doormat like her ex, Jon, to boss around.
And there aren’t many eunichs out there.
I do hope Kate finds happiness — but if she’s looking for it on trashy reality TV, odds are it probably won’t work out.
Hindsight is 20/20, Kate.
You should have some by now after your last TV debacle — where your family imploded for the world to see.
The collateral damage done to your kids is nothing short of traumatic, as is any divorce viewed though the eyes of kids.
So lie low, Kate.
Don’t put yourself out there for the world to dissect – they didn’t like what they found the last time.
January 2, 2010
YOUNG GUNS HAVE HUGE EDGE OVER BORING OLD MEN
By MOLLY DAVIS
I’m putting myself on lockdown.
From men.
I will no longer be pursuing the opposite sex.
Until someone cute catches my eye, at least.
After the demise of my latest relationship, I temporarily give up.
Why am I waving the white flag of dating surrender?
Because, quite simply, men suck.
I don’t care if I’m labeled a bitter, man-hating b**ch.
Can you blame me?
Get thrown over enough, and you’d feel the same way.
Now, I’m not saying ALL men suck.
Just the ones I’ve dated.
Sure, they’re all nice and sweet in the beginning.
Then something shifts.
I’ve yet to figure out what that is — maybe it’s me.
But maybe not.
I’m pretty sure I have the all-time worst taste in the other sex.
Sure, they look good on paper.
And they look good in person.
That’s a must — yes, looks matter.
And if you say they don’t play a part, then you’re lying or you’re a way better human being than I am.
Could it be that I pick younger men?
Hmmmm…
I am definitely a puma/cougar-in-training.
Older men do not interest me.
At all.
I can think of nothing more tedious than a man in Dockers and Top-Siders.
Yawn.
But if I don’t make a compromise, or find some happy middle ground, I will end up the crazy cat lady spinster.
Minus the cats.
That’s if I ever rejoin the dating world.
Which I can’t see happening anytime soon.
I’m still licking my latest dating wounds.
Check back with me in a month.
Or two.
WHY MEN STINK
By MOLLY DAVIS
To defriend or not to defriend?
That is the Facebook question.
One I was faced with last week, after I was dumped.
By the guy who I met on Facebook.
MOLLY DAVIS
Absolutely.
After dating for a while, I got the “Dear John” message.
What was said is not important.
What is important is that it’s over.
And now that our “real” relationship is finished, I was faced with the dilemma of ending our virtual connection, which is how we connected in the beginning.
Sound stupid?
It is.
But realistic.
If I don’t de-friend him, we still have access to each other’s lives.
Pictures, status updates — intimate details I’m not sure I want to know or want him to know.
Now, if I was not a curious person, I would keep him on as one of my 500 or so “friends.”
But I am curious.
And I would totally stalk his page.
Just being honest.
What if he started dating someone else — which he will — and I have to see pictures?
What if he de-friends me first?
If I defriend him, and I have the impulse to check out what’s going on in his Facebook world, then I can’t.
Removing him removes my crazy options.
But, if I keep him, then I leave open that door — just in case he decides to contact me via the social site.
Options still open.
Not a good argument — if he wants to get in touch, he has my phone number.
It’s immature, and I own up to that.
I’m not one of those people that stays friends with their previous relationships.
I have enough friends — and I firmly believe that someone always has an ulterior motive for remaining in contact with an ex.
Someone had to end it — and the other half holds out hope that there will be a reconciliation.
That other half would be me.
Better to cut it off completely.
Or, I could post great pictures, talk about my awesome weekends, and let everyone know how amazing my life is.
Sad thing is, he is not even giving this facebook thing a thought.
I’m sure my crazy thoughts wouldn’t even enter his head — guys operate on a completely different level.
They’re so lucky.
Most men deal with their emotional sides in a completely different manner…
Rationally.
They seem to go on with their everyday activities without even a speedbump.
While I feel like I’m driving on a pothole-filed road on a 10-speed Schwinn.
I’m not an idiot — I know it’s easier because it was his choice.
And if it had been the other way around, I probably wouldn’t even hit a speedbump.
Because it would’ve been my choice.
Speaking of decisions…
Defriend.
And block.
December 10, 2009
KATE’S PATHETIC SOB STORY
By MOLLY DAVIS
Just when we we thought it was a Gosselin-free month, Kate opens that mouth of hers…
To Babs Walters.
I’m not shocked that Kate is running her mouth again.
What surprises me is that she was chosen as one of the elite “The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009.”
Fascinating?
If you think watching a train wreck is fascinating.
In the interview, Kate tells Babs that the lack of camera crews has been a terribly emotional adjustment for her children.
The brood are devastated by the fact that their family reality TV series, “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ has been put on hiatus thanks to their parent’s messy divorce.
“They cried in the van on the way home from school the other day,” Gosselin told Walters during the interview. “I finally admitted to them, they kept asking, ‘Where’s the camera crew? Where’s the camera crew? We miss them.’ And I said, ‘Our show is over.’ …Eight sobbing kids driving home from school.”
How strange she doesn’t worry about the effect banning her brother and sister-in-law and the grandparents from her children, but she worries about the effect of not having the camera crew around has on them.
Kate has previously explained how her parents and family are not involved in her children’s lives because she chose for them not to be — because their opinions were not the same as hers.
She must have believed since she could make other family members disappear out of her life quietly when she grew tired of them, Jon would quietly follow suit.
Kate must have been shocked when he went out fighting.
I’m still on Team Jon, no matter how much of an idiot he continues to be.
So the show on TLC is finito.
Poor Kate.
Now she may actually have to take care of her kids.
Instead of going to a spa, shopping, doing talk shows, or publicity for her many brands.
TIGER WILL GET OUT OF THE ROUGH
By MOLLY DAVIS
I hope Tiger Woods is staying in shape.
Because his signing arm is going to get quite a workout.
Between the supposed “hush” money being paid out to the ever-growing throng of women coming forward, and the staggering amount of money he’ll be paying out to his wife, Elin – whether she stays or goes – it’s going to be strenuous exercise putting his John Hancock on all those checks.
It’s only going to get worse.
Now there are rumors of alcohol and prescription drugs being the cause of the now-infamous car crash on Tiger’s Florida street.
His mother-in-law was rushed to the hospital this week for stomach pains.
And people are eating it up.
As long as people want to read, hear and talk about it, the mess will remain in the headlines.
Which will be a long time.
Will Tiger make the inevitable trip to rehab?
That seems to be the go-to for celebs who are in hot water with their fans.
It shows some sort of remorse and that they’re trying to get their life together.
I shudder to think if there’s a love child.
Or a sex tape.
E-mail exchanges between Rachel and Tiger.
Details of their sex lives.
Elin called Rachel.
Rachel is still denying everything and is bewlidered by all these “insider sources.”
His brand is under fire
But Tiger Inc. will survive.
If his wife leaves him, maybe people will back off a bit, thinking some sort of “justice” was served.
Will his legions be satisfied then?
Probably not.
Nothing Tiger can do at this point will help his severely tarnished reputation.
I shudder to think if there’s a love child.
Or a sex tape.
Media outlets are reporting they have email exchanges between Tiger and mistress-number-one Rachel Uchitel.
The correspondence, provided by “insider sources,” includes details of their sex lives, including what happened their first night together (sex nine times with a gym break for Tiger).
Rachel is still denying everything and is bewildered by all these “insider sources.”
Even if more tawdry chicks come forward, I think Tiger Inc. will survive.
It will be difficult – but the only think people love more than a scandal?
A comeback.
